Disconnect to reconnect: How to find yourself and your tribe in a digital world
So, you have a phone? A laptop? Of course, you do. You’re probably reading this on one of them right now. I’m writing this on a piece of technology. The fact is, it is inevitable - we are connected. In the physical sense. The question is: are we really connected or are we just plugged in?
The Technology Paradox
We all know it is impossible to function entirely without your device: your plane tickets are on that phone, your tinder date can’t contact you, your appointments and bank are in the palm of your hand. Technology and social media have given us a sense of needing to be constantly connected for fear of missing out, but what about the risk of missing what is happening within and around us?
One of the great paradoxes of technology and social media is that we talk to people every day, but studies show that heavy use (both in time and frequency) can have the opposite effect of increasing perceived loneliness and social isolation. A recent study exploring social connection online and isolation acknowledged the negative impact of too frequently using technology:
"… social isolation [is] at epidemic levels among young adults. We are inherently social creatures, but modern life tends to compartmentalise us instead of bringing us together.
The Social Factor
Equally, technology provides us with valuable means of socialising when we are physically isolated. During the recent COVID-19 phenomenon, we have used online platforms such as Zoom and Instagram to connect with family members, transition our work (and workouts) online and even host parties. However, a key connecting factor between technology and isolation that the study focused on was feeling displaced or interrupted from more authentic social experiences and real-world interactions.
Studies have recently shown that social interactions between people with no technology present resulted in conversations filled with greater empathy and compassion because even when we aren’t actively using them, we tend to have an urge to check for communications. It is this natural urge to be tapped into a digital stream of data which prevents us from connecting with the stream of data happening in the immediate, real world. In her book ‘The Happiness Plan,’ Dr Elise Bialylew explains that:
“When we communicate with others there is a constant stream of data, and we need to make sense of it in order to relate and respond to others.”
Technology keeps us connected to a literal stream of data, but can interrupt our ability to analyse the one being sent in our real-world environment. To put it simply – technology can be a distraction from focus; and communicating requires focus.
As Easy as 1, 2, 3
Don’t stress. You can have your digital conversation cake and eat the real world one too. Dr Bialylew goes on to offer a solution to seeking connection in the digital age:
“Through developing our ability to tune in to our senses we can more effectively interpret the real meaning of someone’s words, and stay connected to what we feel from moment to moment giving us a better ability to respond.”
There is a simple three-part process to tune into your senses and create more meaningful connections right now starting with one ‘S-T-E-P’:
1. Schedule blocks of time to unplug.
2. Tune into your senses.
3. Engage in more meaningful conversation.
4. Practice your new habit.
STEP 1: UNPLUG
It’s time for a digital detox baby! There is no doubt that technology helps us function more efficiently and is embedded in our everyday lives. We also need to have a sense of ownership over our consumption levels because only you can control the amount of exposure to it. This is not about unplugging completely, but creating a sense of moderation and control.
Why unplug?
One of the key functions of disconnecting is to reduce the amount of multi-tasking our brain is doing. Our brains are proven to be less-efficient when attempting to complete multiple things at once. This makes sense, right? If we aren’t 100% focused on something in front of us, our attention resources are spread and we simply aren’t as efficient in performing one task as effectively. When it comes to communicating effectively, people are socially aware of when you are giving your 100% First, we need to allow a certain amount of time to disconnect from devices before we even start connecting with ourselves and the present moment.
How to unplug
Unplugging for small and regular blocks of time is the most effective way to achieve a balance of consumption. There are so many creative and low-impact ways to disconnect from your device. Try implementing some of these mini-detox ideas in your daily routine.
• Spend fifteen minutes waking up in the morning before checking your device. When you check your phone immediately after waking up, you have external forces fighting for your attention and time before the day has begun. By spending the first fifteen minutes focusing on your morning routine and personal goals, you will have greater control over your agenda for the day. Plus, what better way to start the day than with a drink and a nod to the morning sun. Try putting your phone on flight mode or ‘do not disturb’ to avoid the temptation to view notifications immediately. You can also try replacing checking your phone with another morning activity like stretching, meditating or having a glass of water.
• Schedule your day and designate times to be on (or, even better, off) social media. Set one-hour blocks where you turn off your phone and go for a walk or for a coffee at a café. This is your opportunity to watch your productivity sky-rocket and also find time to meet new people and create new connections.
• Store your phone out of sight when it’s not in use.
• Set your alarm and switch your device off at least thirty minutes before bed. Not only does this reduce distraction, but avoiding the blue light emitted by your device is proven to assist deeper sleep.
• Ditch your device. Try going for a hike or road trip without a plan and without your phone. See what more you notice by being present in moments where you might normally want to take a photo: what can you see, smell, hear, touch.
• Share the detox experience with a friend or partner. Accountability is the key to following through with commitments.
• My favourite: try not to check your phone while you’re waiting. Waiting for a friend to arrive at lunch? Or maybe for a Doctor’s appointment. I always find an excuse to say I don’t have enough time to think or reflect. Embrace these moments as time for your thoughts and mindfulness.
Most importantly: be kind to yourself. These are just ideas to balance consumption and get you back to your senses, it takes time.
STEP 2: TUNE INTO YOUR SENSES
So far, we know that technology can interrupt focus. Our brain functions in waves. Not metaphorically, we have literal electrical patterns that vary depending on the type of activity happening in the brain. The best waves are called Gamma waves and occur whilst we are in focused thought or heightened insight. There are rare and fleeting opportunities to truly focus naturally occurring in our lives. Whilst we have already calmed some of the storm by reducing multi-tasking, we also know that in studies of people who regularly meditate, these periods of focus are intensified in frequency and duration.
This tells us we have to create the space to observe. One way to create space is with mindfulness. I often have people tell me, “I can’t calm my mind to meditate or be mindful.” My response is this: great! You’re doing it right. The point of meditation is not to calm or clear the mind, but to become an observer of just how noisy it is. If anything, your awareness of the noise means you’re fantastic at it. There are an abundance of online and written resources like ‘The Happiness Project,’ about how to start implementing mindful meditation into your routine for as little as 10 minutes a day. In summary, mindfulness is the process of:
1. Relax: Reduce distractions and find a comfortable position. Focusing on your breath is the easiest way to anchor yourself to the present moment.
2. Observe: Observe your thoughts. Your mind will almost certainly wander, but consistently bring your attention back to your breath.
3. Reflect: What emotions, senses or thoughts came up when observing.
4. Make it a habit.
STEP 3: ENGAGE IN MORE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION
So, we have silenced some of the digital distractions and looked inwards to tune into the present. Now what? When our mind is focused, our senses are heightened. We have become the observer, so now we have space to look outwards and participate. What is around you? Who is trying to smile your way? This is your new time to explore connection.
Talking versus connecting
The key to social interactions which is hard to participate in online is noticing the difference between TALKING (sending and receiving information) and CONNECTING (interpreting and responding to information). We talk to people every day, but connecting requires actively listening, internalising and responding to what someone is saying in a meaningful way.
More meaningful conversations are a process of skill development. Let’s start with the basics:
· Start the conversation: After having gone through this process, you have an advantage. Don’t worry, it’s our little secret. What you have is awareness: you are tuned into your senses and empowered with the confidence to see opportunities to connect. So challenge yourself to talk to at least one stranger this week.
· Ask meaningful questions: To develop meaningful relationships, we have to get past the surface-deep conversation. Getting to know someone beyond their interests means asking open-ended questions, actively listening to the responses and being vulnerable in sharing about yourself. Start by avoiding yes or no questions. Let’s not forget those special relationships that are already in your life. We can encourage openness and deeper connection by asking more creative questions. For fun ideas, try this card-game collection from The Skin Deep: https://shop.theskindeep.com/ sure to make your next night in with friends far from vanilla.
· Avoid multi-tasking: Put your new-found focus into practice. Be 100 percent present in the conversation physically and mentally. Avoid checking your device during a conversation.
· Actively listen and interpret before you respond: We might be trying to avoid technology, but our brain is a computer itself. It needs to process and interpret information before being able to provide a meaningful response. True engagement and fulfilling relationships come from a sense of purpose in the interaction. Try and listen to what vulnerabilities or stories that person is trying to share with you and why to respond with purpose.
· Imagine an invisible string of energy: as well as connecting eye-to-eye with the person you are interacting with, a great communication technique is to imagine there is an invisible string connecting you to that person. Russell Brand is a huge advocate of this technique. The string pulls your focus and attention to the person and encourages you to feel a sense of something being shared between the two of you in the conversation.
If you want to develop these skills further, check out this amazing TED talk by Celeste Headlee on 10 ways to have a better conversation.